“You’re Just Rude …”
“If I’m not connected with my feelings and needs, and I’m finding the memory of something that happened the day before painful, I am typically in a blame and punishment paradigm.”
This means you’re either blaming somebody else or yourself for what was or was not done. This paradigm is common in the workplace and it stems from a focus on what do not like, instead of what we would like.
For instance, if a coworker is short with me in a meeting I might respond with “this person is rude” – and nothing transforms. Simply telling yourself to stop blaming or judging isn’t enough.
Instead, use the process of mourning and state an observation – “this person is acting in a way I don’t enjoy, that doesn’t meet my need for respect.” Now you have owned the experience and your mind has shifted to something it can transform, your need for respect.
Using silent empathy in the moment can prove an important factor to quickly transform the blame and judgment paradigm. It can also be a good antidote to burnout.
Mindful Practice for the Week
In the coming week, recognize an encounter that led you into blame or judgment thinking. Recall the situation, and use the process of mourning to connect to your feelings and needs. Become curious how this step shifts you away from blame thinking.